Taking Heartbreak Back!

We all know the feeling of having our hearts broken, and there are all types of causes. The most common I think these days would be the end of a significant relationship. We all know it, we have all felt it at some point whether it was our first love, high school sweet heart or the end of a marriage.

I myself have had 3 major relationships all with their own types of emotions spilling out like the filling tub you forgot about. Each one taught me so much about myself. Ariana Grande hit the nail on the head when she released “Thank you, Next” even if we don’t see it right away, we eventually feel it.

My high school boyfriend wasn’t exactly the heartbreak you’d expect after 3.5 years it was more a sense of relief that it was finally over. He’d cheated on me, belittled me, taken advantage of me, was aggressive with me, shared our personal life against my pleas not to and down right the worst person for a young girls self esteem. By the last year I was only with him because I didn’t want to be the girl without a boyfriend and he’d convinced me no one else would ever love me. But the day he hit me in front of his friends was the day the shackles fell off my wrists and I finally felt the freedom to run far away.

The next was a very toxic relationship. I won’t get into the details but this relationship left me feeling like I’d lost my sanity. I don’t think I’ve ever been as low as I was at the end of that one, but I had one blessing that gave me the push that I needed to keep going and that was my son. Thankfully these days we are on much better terms and able to have a healthy coparenting relationship for our son. But I would never wish that pain on anyone.

Last was the most recent. A friend turned into much more and I was absolutely head over heels. I thought we had everything. We both had kids, we both shared the same goals and dreams, we wanted the same things in a house, we had the same values. I felt like I fit in so perfectly with his family, we shared the same friends and hobbies. And even now I still adore who he is as a person. But for whatever reason after almost 1 1/2 years he didn’t see what I did. Obviously that again left me feeling devastated.

And the first thing we do when these relationships fall short is we blame ourselves. What did I do wrong? Why am I not enough? We try to hang on tight no and bargain to change. We beg for answers that aren’t there, we seek closure or repair when there isn’t any.

This is when I began to realize that I’d lost my way again. That this wasn’t about me, I hadn’t fallen short or done anything wrong (not more than the mistakes we make as humans. We all have room to grow). These break ups did not define who I was, they didn’t mean I wasn’t enough, or lovable. Here’s a fun fact I learned in therapy “your brain doesn’t know what’s real” . Yup you heard me right. We sit here and play all the good memories and all the things we’d dreamt, the wedding we’d planned in our heads, the house, the kids and the perfect life we thought we were going to have. But those things aren’t real. I’m not saying your relationship sucked and your memories are all fake, but what you focus on grows.

So here is what you do.

You shift your focus and do it with intent, I know, easier said then done. But you take all that love you want to drown them in until they open their eyes and see how “meant to be” you are and you give it to yourself, because you are so deserving of that love. And you take this time to really get to know who you are and love who you are. What are ways you can improve your life. Could you spend your free time reconnecting with friends or family, maybe finish that degree you’ve been putting off! Pick up some extra shifts to boost your income, don’t bury yourself at work to hide! Read those self help books! Hit the gym! Because the better you are to yourself, the better the people you attract will be to you. Another thing would be to use this as a step for a better you. Think of all the things that you learned. Maybe you learned that you don’t like guys who are self centered, or you really like when a guy surprises you with flowers. A big shout out to my last ex for teaching me so much about credit scores and guiding me towards a debt free life and this really cool thing called a “savings account” that isn’t empty! Maybe you realize you are a relentless giver right out of the gates and you need to give them a chance to present an offer on the table first. Or you chase them and you need to step back and let them come to you. And WHY. I chase, because I’m scared of rejection. But I’m workin on it day by day.

Choose to be happy! This was my best friend! I decided that no matter what I deserve to be happy. Yes I was hurting, but moping around wasn’t going to do anything for me. So every day I woke up, I took a deep breath and I told myself Bri today is going to be a great day. Mindset is everything, and I speak from experience! We as humans have these crazy things called “self serving bias”, what this means is when you believe something to be true you will only see things that support your beliefs. If you think the world is out to get you all you will see is everything negative that happens in your. If you believe your going to be sad or have a bad day, you miss out on all of the beautiful things life has to offer like the sun shining or the blue skies, the joy you bring others.

Get out of the stinkin house!! I’m not talkin go drown your sorrows at the bar. I’m talking about calling up those old friends you haven’t seen in a while and grabbing lunch, going on a nature walk, go to the gym, visit a museum (my personal favorite is the science museum). Go do things you enjoy with people you love or even alone!

Find a healthy vice, and don’t abuse it. Mine is obviously the gym. But I don’t go spend hours running on the treadmill or throwing weights around until someone drags me out in a wheelbarrow. But I set my intentions, daily goals that I want to accomplish and I keep a journal. I keep track of what lifts I completed and weights/reps/sets. I keep track of my type of warm up and how long. And I will typically journal how my day went, what I felt went really good and what I can improve (typically my snacking… you mean a whole pack of double stuffed isn’t lunch? Haha). This year I’m also trying new types of fitness to grow my knowledge and keep a variety Incase I grow bored of my routine.

But most of all remember

You can do this. One day at a time. You are strong, you are brave, you are beautiful. You deserve all of the love you so freely give to others. No relationship will EVER define who you are, that is your choice to make. You are better than a puddle of tears on the floor. That just because they didn’t work out that does not mean you won’t ever find someone else. Breathe. Its okay to cry but you gotta pick your head up, straighten your crown and rule your own damn world. Grow. Always keep growing.

A few books that helped me:

    “The Subtle Art of not giving a fuck” by Mark Manson
    “You are a Badass” by Jen Sincero
    “Girl wash your face” by Rachel Hollis
    “Uninvited” and “It’s not supposed to be this way” by Lysa Turkeurst
    “Don’t forget your crown” by Derrick Jaxn

Love Always

Briana Kay

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